Do It All

I often wonder how people do it all.  I was at a committee meeting and we were discussing our work plan.  I looked at how much stuff needed to get accomplished and I almost had a panic attack in the meeting.  I have a lot to do in my personal life, let alone all the things that needed to be done in this one committee. How can I do it all? The answer is “I” can’t!

I recently got a second job, so recent that I haven’t actually started there as of yet.  I go and sign the papers on Tuesday. I have already started the long list of what ifs! What if I suck at this job? What if I can’t make it work with my other responsibilities? What if, what if, what if???

My family really needs the funds from this job. So the time to re-prioritize my life is now.  So I started listing all my roles in life: wife, mother, administrator, cook, cleaner, worship leader, committee member, yogi, etc.  How can I do it ALL and this new job? Well the answer is “I” can’t!

I was freaking out, as is my tendency, about how “I” was going to do it all, when my husband said, “WE can do it together.”  A heavy weight lifted off me.  It isn’t all my responsibility. I don’t have to make supper every night, clean the house, help the girls with homework, and work 12 hours a day. WE can do it together.

Then I started thinking on how often I try to do it all by myself and fail miserably.   Too many times to count… So my next step is finding out:

• what I need to let go of
• what I need to lower on my priority list
• what my husband can do

I struggle with all three of these things. I struggle because I would love to do it all! When I was growing up I had a hard time picking what I wanted to be when I grew up because I wanted to experience it all. Well as you know I can’t experience it all, because if I did, I would be too busy to enjoy it.

So this season of life brings scary things.  What does this new life look like? Will I let my husband do things even if it isn’t done the way I would do it? What if I have to let go of something I love? What if lower something on my priority list creates problems?

Scary things are ahead for me, but luckily “I” won’t be doing it alone. WE will be doing it together!

 

Messy Reading

You know that feeling when a book jumps off a shelf and says take me home?  I had that feeling with this book “Glorious Mess: Encountering God’s Relentless Grace for Imperfect People”.  Grace…that is a word I seem to lack in my life. Grace for me or others seems to be lacking. 
Anyways, I started to read this amazing book but then slowly I was losing interest. I realized that it wasn’t as new and exciting as when I first picked it up.  Then I realized I have a huge bookcase with half read books.  I love the first half of the book, the dating phase I call it.   But when it comes time to finish the book, I lose interest fast!
That bookcase full of half read books, probably has tips to help my life, encouraging words I need to hear, and life lessons I need to learn.  Instead they sit unread and dusty. 
I have decided that this year I will finish some of those dusty messy books. First I started with Glorious Mess. I would like to say that my whole life is changed by finishing that book but alas it isn’t.  But maybe something small is starting to change.  A bit of hope has started to grow. Hope that makes me realize that I  can change my life.  Change by just making little everyday decisions.   Cause really that is all change is, one little decision after another.   I build it up to be this huge thing but only one decision is needed at a time. 
So this is my messy reading journey that I am undertaking this year. One dusty book at a time.  Next book to finish is The Birth Order book. 🙂

Messy Decisions

I have been needing to make some hard decisions in my life.  I try to DO things to win God’s approval.  My counselor wants me to stop and just be with God, not DO!  That is against my nature and against the rules that I live by.  My counselor has also asked me to write a list of these rules I have for myself.  I have started this list, and this is what it looks like so far.

My Rules:

1.  To be responsible, I must use my money perfectly and own a house.

2.  I must workout to maintain my health and weight.

3. I must not eat sugar, because it is bad for me.

4.  I must be the perfect employee and do what I am told.

5.  I must tithe to my church so that I will have enough money and be blessed by God.

6.  I must serve in my church in some way.

7.  I must look good every day, including nice clothes, make up, etc.

8.  I must spend time with my kids and discipline them.

9.  ……………………..

Looking at this list, it seems quite normal but alas it is perfection incognito.  Yes, you should use your money wisely, but what does that look like.  No one can use their money perfectly.  Who hasn’t bought the latest  kitchen gizmo or spent too much on their holiday? Looking at this list I realize that I am setting myself up for failure.  I am expecting perfection in every area of my life from my finances to my kids to my ministry. No wonder my counselor asked me to make this list.

I am in need of making some hard decisions.  Since I struggle with doing things,  so that God will accept me and love me,  I may need to stop doing some things so I can get my motives in check.  This may cause some ripples.  But I think ripples are what life is all about.  I can’t focus on the ripples, I need to do what is healthy and best for me and my walk with God.

Ripples or NOT I will serve the Lord!

Messy Depression

I have been in a sort of depression after discovering my people pleasing, perfectionism, working for my salvation, life.  My counselor says that is a normal response.  So I have decided in this season to watch hours of Vampire Diaries on Netflix, play as much Sims 3 as possible and stuff my face full of food.  Not a very healthy response, but I did it. 

I use to find fulfillment from people pleasing.  That use to fill my tank.  Now that I am trying to break this addiction, it is causing an emptiness that I can’t control.  I am looking everywhere to fill that emptiness.

I can’t seem to look to God in that empty space yet.  I seem to have a blockage there.  I still think of God as a father who is looking for works, perfection, and fruit in my life.  I see him in the light of how my father was. 

I was sharing this with my wise friend who suggested to me to think of a time where my Dad was a good dad in a sense an accurate picture of God.  It took me a bit, but I discovered a time.  My dad and I use to sit and just play guitar together, and learn together.  He didn’t expect me to be perfect on guitar and we just enjoyed music together.  It was an amazing time. 

Now I need to think of God like that…..like a father I can just jam with and just……be not do.

 

Messy Camping

I recently got back from spending the long weekend camping at the lake.  There is something about camping that brings out the worst in everyone.  The first day was fun and exciting, even the second day was a blast, but the third day ended in fights, tears, and sunburns.  In that moment of being so tired and worn out, I realized that I was making headway on my perfectionism.  When you camp things can’t go perfect.  Either the sun burns you, the bugs bite you or the rain gets you.  You are exposed to the mess of nature.  Nature may have an order to it, but it is sure messy. 

I came back from that trip different.  I am fighting with my husband more, I am standing up for myself at work and I am demanding respect.  I am a totally different Mel.  The normal Mel would people please by doing what I was told.  People don’t seem to like the new Mel.  They seemed to like walking all over me.  It has been interesting to see who really cares for me. 

My husband literally said yesterday, “Stop trying to please me! When I ask your opinion I want to know what you think!”  That was a cool moment for me.  I never wanted to say No to my husband because then I would be a b**** whipping her man into shape.  I never wanted to be like that so I allowed my hubby to do whatever he wanted.  I would then stuff my hurt, frustration, and then in a few months I would blow up at the smallest thing.  If I just said “No husband you can’t go out with your friends because you have to watch the children because I have to work.”, instead of dragging the kids to the office and loathing him the whole time. 

In the words of Meredith Brooks,

“I’m a b****, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed…
So take me as I am…”

Life is messy and I can’t pretend that it isn’t.  I am a mess and that is ok.  God is ok with my mess, because He makes it beautiful.

“You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful”

Brokenness Aside by: All Sons and Daughters

 

Perfect Leadership

I had a revelation the other day, that I am too hard on myself and the others that lead me. Let me back up and tell you the story.

It was Sunday night, and I was attending the dreaded meeting I have once a month.  Before the meeting, I decided to make sure to voice my opinion.  (Normally, I would let things slide and when I got home I would blow up out of frustration.)  So I voiced my opinion…….. and well it didn’t go so well.  I realized that with voicing my opinion comes conflict and with conflict comes trouble. So I went home angry.

In that anger, I decided to go for a run…… well I am not in shape as much I as I thought. So I ran for a measly 5 blocks then did a fast walk for the rest.  Let’s just say I pushed myself beyond what I should have, and boy am I paying for it today! During my walk, I realized that I had a victory tonight regardless of the frustration.  It doesn’t matter how the meeting went.  I had a VICTORY!

Then I realized that I expect perfection from myself and from the leaders leading me.  Regardless of how my leader reacted to my opinion, I expected perfection.  And well NO one can live up to those expectations.

So I decided that leadership is not perfection.  If I was a perfect leader, no one would want to follow me, then in fact I wouldn’t be a leader.  Leadership is about making mistakes and owning up to them.

Yesterday I was at home with my children and I was yelling at them to get this done and to get that done.  After when I sat down to read them a story, I realized I was wrong to yell.  I was yelling out of a lack of patience.  So I sat them down and apologized.  I saw their attitude change instantly.  They realized that their Mommy isn’t perfect.  That is what I would like to instill in my children! I want them to know that perfection is not the goal.  Life is about making mistakes and getting dirty!

So go ahead get dirty!

Messy Firsts

I have had a lot of firsts this week.  First time buying my daughter deodorant….where has the time gone, a first time for speaking up in a board meeting, a first time for standing up for myself, and a first time for accepting the blame.  I seek perfection in so many of these areas. 

I have come to realize that I am trying to be perfect in breaking my perfection addiction.  So if I speak up for myself and I quickly go back to keeping the peace, I am mad at myself because I didn’t stick to my guns.  I should know that breaking this cycle will take a lot longer.  I have done it as long as I remember, so it will take a while to start to break the cycle, BUT I am learning.

I am learning how to be ok with conflict, and that in fact it is quite healthy.  I am learning that accepting blame doesn’t make me a terrible employee and I am learning that no one is perfect.

I was at McDonald’s the other day and I noticed a mother with her son sitting at a table.  The little boy wouldn’t eat his burger because there was something on it that he didn’t like.  His mother said to him that she would get it fixed. So she took the burger up to the counter and the manager apologized for not making the burger right the first time and he gave her a new one to her specifications.  While this was going on, I was thinking about the guy who made that burger.  If it had been me, I would have beaten myself up and thought that I would have been fired for making a mistake.  But then I looked at the manager, he threw the burger away and got a new one made up.  He didn’t yell and scream at his employees for making a mistake.  Hmmmm…… Then I wondered how many times has this happened?  Probably a lot because the people making those burgers are human.  They are not perfect and probably are so use to making the burgers the same way all the time.

This story is a picture of imperfect humans and grace.  Everyone is flawed and God still accepts us and loves us.  He opens his arms to us with love. 

Grace.  How I love that word! That word takes all my striving, all my weaknesses and throws them away. I don’t have to be perfect….that is not what this life is about!

Just Give Me Jesus

I just got back from leading a worship practice.  Before I left I was nervous because I haven’t worked with this particular team in a long time.  I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t know how to lead them.

Before we have practice, we do what we call a Team Time.  This is a time where we connect as team together before we practice the music for Sunday’s service.  I felt like i didn’t know this team very well so a deep question would be out of the question.  so I just focused on plans for everyone’s summer.  it was cool to hear the exciting things people were doing with their summers.  Some were marrying off their daughter, some were taking a cruise, others were doing renos on their house.

Now it was time to do the music practice part of the night.  Things went well and my nerves left.  Then we came to a song called, “Give Me Jesus” by Jeremy Camp.  I never pick this song because I can’t sing the song very well, but luckily another leader had picked the set and I was just filing in as the leader for this Sunday.  i say luckily because something happened to my heart in that song.  I felt an urge deep down in my soul, that this song is THE song.  The song my souls needs to sing in this season of my life. 

“You can have all this world…… Just give me Jesus!”

It doesn’t matter what my pastor thinks of the way I lead worship.  It doesn’t matter if I connect with everyone on the worship team.  It doesn’t matter how I sing or whether I smile and clap my hands like I have been told.  It just doesn’t matter……Just give me Jesus!

Lifelong Mess

“The simple truth is we’ll be a mess until heaven.” Larry Crabb, The Pressure’s Off

This book has changed my world.  How can I read that and think of perfection? I can’t, because it’s true.  I will be a mess until heaven.  It really does take the pressure off of me.  I can stop the striving and just meet with God.  He accepts me as I am and HE will change me…..not ME! 

Encouraging words!

As I sit in my office while rain pours down outside, I think of the people I serve here at the mission (homeless shelter & soup kitchen).  They are probably the most outward messy people I have ever met.  They wear their mess on their sleeves. It is almost refreshing to be around people who don’t strive to be perfect.  There is something I can learn from them.  Maybe that is why I am here. My mission here is to save the lost, but maybe just maybe they will teach me how to be saved. 

Being saved has nothing to do with the outward…..it is all about the inward!

Messy Questions

I discovered something about myself tonight.  When I am in an uncomfortable situation, I tend to look around the room and doodle on whatever is in front of me.  Tonight I doodled question marks…what was that all about????? Normally it is flowers and leaves and weird curly cues, BUT question marks!  You ask a question because you need an answer.  I need an answer,  An answer to a question I long to have answered….. Am I ok?  Am I ok if I never tackle my perfectionistic personality and people pleasing? Am I ok if I never grow and change? What if i stayed at this level of growth for the rest of my life? Am I ok with where I am at? Will God still love me if I never change and grow?

The answer I tell myself is no! I feel I need to be better to be someone, to make a difference, to be loved.  I strive to some unrealistic goal of perfection to be loved by people and essentially be loved by God.

So……. I doodle question marks.

But thankfully the answer is YES! I am ok and I am loved.  So I can stop striving and stop beating myself up for saying no and backing it up with you still love me right?? ARGH! People Pleasing is a hard addiction to break. I wonder if I will ever be able to say no without the panic that ensues.  But I am still ok.  I am loved regardless AND I am not alone! God doesn’t care if I jump thru all the hoops as long as I come to Him.  Praise God for His grace.